Well it's the start of a new era for me today. The last few months have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster as my mother's health declined rapidly. It was not an illness that you could label or any such thing but at 91 she seemed to decide that she no longer wished to eat and so began weeks of ...well I can't really describe it.Suffice to say I watched the person who has always been there for me at the core of my life just fade away and I was helpless to do anything about it and it broke me underneath . I never really understood until now looking back how difficult I find not being able to make things better. I suppose as a mother,wife,friend and also teacher it becomes part of you...that you can always do something to make things better for somebody ...but not then . I tried really hard to keep things going,to keep up with orders and demand for my work but somehow it just felt empty.I realise looking back now that my total lack of inspiration and desire to make work was just me managing Myself. It was almost as if I had numbed everything inside of me and that way I could just keep all the balls in the air without thinking too much.
So a few days before Christmas this very,very frail skeletal lady slipped away to another world and so began organisation...Christmas,funeral,belongings,family... spanning weeks.
And so to now....my Mum is laying under a covering of beautiful frosted country flowers in the tiny village churchyard that she loved.Family all gathered together have now all returned home and a new era for me begins at the beginning of a New Year. I have got to do what my Mum always did best which is to pull herself together and get on with things.....
So,breakfast things to sort then paints are coming out and I shall begin....it will be strange not having to worry about her,not having to drop everything to help her,not feeling bad because I haven't been with her as much as I should in a particular week....but I shall fill that space with lovely things and happy times...and hopefully new ideas for work will flow and I will once again get that lovely sense of calm that I feel when deeply involved in a piece of work or observing the world around me.
Those of you who follow me here or on Facebook etc will know that I'm not one to post personal things but somehow this felt necessary. When writing the eulogy for my Mum I had a sentence that read..."we shall miss her stories and regret the loss of those not told" and this is part of my story.
Let the work begin!
Happy New Year!